There's a site devoted to take-offs of the Successories posters--click here
to see lots of "de-motivators."
GREAT Truths From SMALL Children...
1. "No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats."
2. "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. "
3. "If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person."
4. "Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato."
5. "You can't trust dogs to watch your food."
6. "Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot."
7. "Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair."
8. "Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac."
9. "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
10. "School lunches stick to the wall."
11. "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
12. "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
13. "The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap."
14. "It's hard to unlearn a bad word."
15. "Ask Why until you understand."
16. "It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper."
17. "A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen."
18. "It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher."
19. "Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines."
20. "Twelve is a lot older than eight."
21. "Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers."
22. "Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk."
23. "Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are."
24. "Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slower kid behind you."
25. "If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party."
26. "Crawling still gets you there."
27. "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
28. "Your room gets smaller as you get bigger."
29. "You can't start over just because you're losing the game."
30. "When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one."
31. "If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year."
32. "One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water."
33. "You can't be everyone's best friend."
34. "A snow day is more fun than a vacation day."
35. "All libraries smell the same."
36. "Say grace."
37. "If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it."
38. "Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying."
39. "Silence can be an answer."
40. "Ask where things come from."
41. "If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back."
42. "Don't nod on the phone."
Things We Can Learn From a Dog
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
15. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
16. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
17. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .... run right back and make friends.
18. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
BART SIMPSON'S PUNlSHMENT
The opening credits of The Simpson's shows Bart Simpson writing the same
sentence over and over again on a chalkboard. Each episode has a
different sentence. Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the shows,
watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These
are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
HERE IS A LIST OF NEW STATE MOTTOS...
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes (UPDATE) Hey, our governor can pin your governor any day
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and very little else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Psssst - Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
It should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to
abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the
Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of
the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and
imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a
great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system
to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is
it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+ ------- + + -------- +
| YES | | SURE |
+ ------- + + -------- +
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
your software. If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or
intestinal parasites, you should immediately
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
User friendly Technology for Country Folk:
Log On: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
Log Off. Don't add no more wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the woodstove.
Download: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
Mega Hertz: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
Floppy Disc: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
Ram: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter time.
Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
Windows: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
Screen: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season.
Byte: Whut dem dang flys do.
Chip: Munchies fer the TV.
Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
Modem: Whacha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
Lap top: Whar the kitty sleeps.
Keyboard: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys.
Software: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn.
Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
Main Frame: Holds up the barn ruf.
Port: Fancy Flatlander wine.
Enter: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all."
Random Access Memory: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle.
What If Dr. Suess Did Technical Writing?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes the floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If the cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And the data is corrupted 'cause the index didn't hash,
Then the situation's hopeless and the system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable at the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
And the packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And the screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So the icons in the window are wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you may have to flash your memory and RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off you computer: Run and tell your Mom!
Sung to the tune of the Beatles' Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay,
Now my paper has gone away
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for backups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.